DinDin with Leng & Family

All I need to perk up my day and make me feel good again is meeting up with my extended family - Leng & Family. I love Leng with all my heart and I am glad that she is in my life.

It was a simple dinner at an under-rated place. I love the Sakura at Sengkang's Compass Point. It serves above decent local food at affordable prices. What makes the place special is that it hardly is crowded even during the weekends. Like I said, under-rated.

I Can and I Will

I felt so mean completely faking my enthusiasm for the dinner just now. But it was for the greater good. They want me to play nice, I can and I will. I even shocked myself how good I was. I almost believed the role that I was playing.

Thing is, this won't be the last time. I am pretty sure that I will have to play nice, again and again. For how long more, I do not know. But just to keep the peace in the house, I will do my part. I really hope this pays off somehow.

The Saga Comes to an End

Last night, Jeeshan and I spoke to each other and in the eyes of those present (Siraj & Daddy), you could say that we cleared the air.

But a part of me is still confused and skeptical about last night.

Is it possible that after all the things that were done and said, that things can go back to normal ie back to when we were close? Because right after that, he enters my room and starts talking about movies and music. For me, that seemed too quick for me. I needed to digest whatever's just happened and erase the bits of memories of the saga from the past 8-9 months. Or is it just me with the problem?

The frustrating thing for me is that I'm not even sure why I feel confused and skeptical. Apparently, he was already giving me the cold shoulder prior to the hospital incident. Then by the time it came to that, he felt that there was a communication breakdown between us and he didn't know how to get to me / communicate with me, that he just continued with the cold shoulder treatment. I have no recollection of that nor did I ever notice that there was a communication breakdown between us prior to the hospital incident.

It just doesn't make sense to me. He said that as my brother, he's never stopped loving or caring for me, but why then did he do and say all of those things to me? I don't think we tackled the issue of respect because I strongly feel that that's the main issue and that's why he acted the way he did the past couple of months. Or is it just me with the problem?

I think of last night and I have more questions than answers.

I Always Cry Before My Birthday

I was watching TV in the living room. Jeeshan enters and switches the channel. I tell him that I was watching the TV and there was no response from him. I repeat my statement and he raises his voice... Go inside and watch then... I say out loud, "WOW." I walk to Mummy and tell her what happened. She doesn't do / say anything but continues to cook. So I go to Daddy to tell him. Daddy comes out from the room and Mummy only then enters the living room to ask Jeeshan why he did what he did. And that's when a shouting match occurs.

Jeeshan claims that because I have a TV point in my room, I should watch television in my room and because he does not have a TV point, he can watch it outside. I state my point that that's not my issue. I ask why he could not just say that he wanted to watch the TV but chose to rudely switch the channel. Then he says that I am the rude one and that I need disciplining as all this while I've been ignoring him.

I repeat my previous statement. Then somewhere in between he says that he paid for the TV, so it's his so he can watch it and he's banned me from it. I mumble something about me paying the bills for the cable. Then, I say that I marvel at how he treats his family and he says that this only applies to me, and not to anyone else in the family, whilst pointing a shaking finger at me. Could be anger, could be the smoking. Who knows.

Then Mummy bursts into tears.

Long story short. I did not want a scene. I just wanted justice. He obviously was in the wrong. Mummy heard and saw what happened but she just let it be. I don't understand why she couldn't just settle the issue at that very moment. Why let it be? I'm not asking her to take sides (even though I'm obviously the victim here) but letting that matter slide means she's condoning his action.

6 hours later and no apology from him. Not that I want one, or that I am expecting one but if I were to make a blunder, I'm pretty sure there'll be hell to pay and apologies to make. But why does he seem to get away with his actions, with no consequences to bear.

If the relationship matters to me, I would speak to him and apologise because that's all he wants from me. But why would I want to, especially after this? He had 2 choices... one, to ask if he could watch tv or two, to change the channel. He chose the latter. We all have choices and we are defined by our choices in life. How come I seem to be paying the price (I seem to be getting lectured and told to be the bigger person) for the choices he makes?

Sigh.

Stupid Active Volcano

My brother was supposed to fly in next Saturday but his flight's cancelled. All thanks to Eyjafjallajokull.

I miss him so much and I was looking forward to his visit. Not even this joke...

What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano's still blowing ash.

...could cheer me up.

I'm Probably Being Selfish

I probably am, but it is a natural human disposition to be selfish is it not?

I come home late from school. Most days at 5pm but recently it has been later. And all I want to do is to plant my butt in front of the tv for a few moments. Just for some mindless entertainment. My dad will come out from his room at around 10pm and ask me, "Are you watching the tv now?" I obviously am and I answer, "Yes." He then proceeds to tell me that he wants to watch his programme.

He's my father. So fine. I let him watch. It used to be at 10pm. Now he comes out at 9pm. I think it's getting ridiculous. He's home the whole day! The tv in his room is switched on the whole day! I hardly watch tv and I'm working hard all day long and he can't even be considerate enough to let me de-stress once in a while. It gets me so frustrated! Once he even told me to record what I'm watching so I can watch it later. I had to bite my tongue! I'm happy to be able to find 15 mins to watch tv! It'd be ages before I would be able to find the time to watch what I recorded. Why can't he record his programmes and watch them the next day?!

I am so pissed. Plus, my mum questions me all the time, why I stay locked up in my room? BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING ELSE FOR ME TO DO IF THE TWO OF YOU ARE HOGGING THE TV OUTSIDE!! My father would be watching SunTv while my mother would be watching ZeeTv. They take turns. I have no interest in either channels so why would I be outside in the living room watching those channels with them? Eurgh.

They've told me multiple times to install a tv in my room but I told them that if I were to do that, then I would never leave my room. It is a pretty self-sufficient room. This is so aggravating! The only time I get to watch tv is when I come home from school. But even that is taken away from me.

I've been pretty selfless my whole life, I deserve to have some selfish moments, don't I?

The Force Is Strong

I hate that it takes me an hour to get home from school. From the moment I leave the office to the moment I reach my front door - that approximately is an hour's journey. It's exhausting! Plus, I'm in heels almost always!! My poor aching feet.

I'm watching Star Wars IV: A New Hope. It's the HD version and it looks and sounds fantastic! Like the film had not aged at all. The saga is such a cult classic and I can't believe it when people tell me they don't like it at all. It's the ultimate battle between good and evil! If only I had the complete set! I'd be the happiest girl on the planet! Sigh...

My battery's draining... It's only Monday and I was falling asleep on the bus ride home. Not good at all. It was a pretty rushed weekend for me. Apart from trying to clear some work, my 2 favourite men from NIE called me!! We had dinner near my place which turned into supper and that eventually led into us heading our separate ways way WAY past midnight.

I love meeting up with Ismadi and Guna. They're so cool and fun to be around. We're all generally very laid-back by nature and that's the main reason why we get along so well. They travel a lot so I love to listen to their travel tales and misadventures. Plus, Guna loves the kind of movies that I do and his tastes are even more refined / eccentric than mine. Ismadi, on the other hand, is a die hard Star Wars fanatic. And that would still be an understatement!

It was my cousin's wife's bangle ceremony on Saturday. There's probably an official Tamil term for it... but yea... I wouldn't know it, of course. It was nice seeing my aunt and uncle but that's about it. I find all these events such a bore! Plus, everyone's always eyeing you and judging you. I feel it more since I don't speak the language. Eurgh.

You're Like Poison

Brother finally told Mummy why he's been ignoring me. Yes, for the past 2 weeks, my brother had been ignoring me and I had no idea why. I am not one who initiates conversations and I refuse to budge and ask him for myself. I started to notice that something was amiss when he seemed to not respond to me when I spoke to him. I didn't think much of it at first but when I straight out asked him something and he spoke to someone else instead, I knew he was ignoring me.

So I entrusted Mummy with the simple task of investigating. What she found out made us both laugh out loud! Not the LOL kind of laughter, but the real guffaw kind. You'd be amazed at what a married 30-something professional, with a kid, came up with as reasons as to why he felt the need to ignore me, his only sister.

I refuse to allow this to affect me. It's so silly it's not even worth wasting another breath mentioning it.

When Reality is Worser Than Any Nightmare Experienced

The past couple of days have been gruelling, to say the least. Dad's condition is not improving. Aside from this present state which we are in, we also have the future to think about.

The family dynamic is sure to change and the future doesn't look bleak but it doesn't look inviting either. Compromises / sacrifices have to be made and dreams have to be put on hold.

This ain't no rainy day, my dear readers. It sure feels like a monsoon season to me.

Bittersweet

When I stepped into class today, my boys sang me a birthday song. It took a lot for me not to tear in front of them. I'm such an emotional wreck around my birthday la... Oh, speaking of which, there was drama in the household but to make up for it I FORCED everyone to sing me a birthday song, even my second brother came up with a rendition of his own. Food was fantastic of course - mum cooked.

I'm not looking forward to this week. It's the second last week of Term 3, so it'll be a mad rush to clear our workload. Plus, the holidays are nearing so no one's in the mood to do anything! On top of that, my cousin's getting married on Saturday but it's a 3-day affair starting fron Thursday night. I'll be so SO shagged.

These Precious Moments We Have So Few

I blame Syakir. I can't get 2 songs out of my head; Pop Goes My Heart and Way Back Into Love from Music and Lyrics. I do find it very odd though that he listens to a whole lot of female artists...

So much for having a well-rested long weekend; it was downright crazy from start to end. I can't fathom how quickly the days passed by and it's back to school tomorrow. The horror. The horror!

Friday was the National Day celebrations in school which was THE WORST event I have ever attended. Things started going wrong right from the moment the bell rang to signal the start of the school day. Albeit the frustration and exhaustion, I have to admit that I was pleased the event was close to a disaster. Evil, I know but it was that ass who was the IC for the event. Off the top of my head, let me share with you some of the downfalls:

• the staggered timing for the main jigsaw activity did not run according to schedule, leaving the boys restless and bored in the classrooms
• when my class did eventually get to the hall to piece together the puzzle, our pieces were mismatched and we had much difficulty forming the puzzle
• upon completion, the boys were expected to carry the completed puzzle down to the parade square. My boys are Primary 1 boys and the puzzle is as large as 12 students' desks put together
• obviously the brains behind this project did not foresee a problem of carrying a large flimsy structure down 3 flights of stairs (with 2 corners to turn) because my boys had to break up the puzzle back into its pieces in order to be able to carry it down the flights of stairs onto the parade square
• because of the above, my class had to assemble the puzzle AGAIN. And by class, I do mean me inclusive
• sing-along in the scorching hot sun. For at least an hour. The hall was empty...
• we had no clue what the emcee was saying coz the sound system was dreadful. Non-existent would be a better adjective.
• our day ended at 11 because they gave the boys a 30 min recess. Not all the stalls were open. We could have ended earlier but NOOOOO... the boys had to be given recess...

Successful event, my ass. A bunch of the colleagues and I were discussing about the pre-hullabaloo for this event and that how the actual event was such a let down as compared to the hype he was creating. We can't wait for the feedback form to be given to us.

We had musical rehearsals next :( but thankfully Syabil and Syakir were awesome enough to wait for me (I ended at 2) and I really needed a break. I was fed and entertained. What more can I ask for? I love Them Boys for being so tolerant and for treating me like a princess (rare but there are those moments).

I headed home to pack my stuff as I was going to do an over-nighter at Amara's with the bride. Saturday morning was the wedding which consisted of me looting the groom and best man, the tea ceremony and the church wedding. I bummed at home for some time before heading down to Marriott Hotel to have dinner with my Aunt who just flew in from down under.

I spent the whole of my Sunday watching Saw 1 to 5 and for that I completely blame Faqih. Sometime near the evening, my mum decided she wanted to crash Marriott Hotel again. Plans were made to have our National Day celebrations there (Yes, we ALL said the pledge at 8:22pm). We could see a third of the fireworks from the hotel room. We pigged out, joked, watched the end to a horror movie before falling sound asleep at 11pm. Yea, age is so catching up on me.

We woke up early on Monday morning (4am for everyone else and 5:30am for me) and headed across the border. It was a mad-ass road trip to JB & Kota Tinggi. It was literally non-stop eating and shopping for us. I managed to snooze a couple of times too. I did try to convince everyone that Mango is really Rambutan and I'm pretty certain I managed to get some of them confused... not convinced, just confused. We reached home at half past 6 after having dinner near Labrador Park. Here I am now, typing this out and still not believing how quickly the days went by and wishing desperately that the work week passes by just as quickly so that I can enjoy the weekend again!

Of Athena, Weddings and Nothing Else

It was both an emotionally and physically exhausting day for me today.

I took Athena to the vet to ger her snipped. I do not think it is cruel. She is excessively violent and once she's gone through the snip snip, I hope that will calm her down. I don't want her impregnating herself nor do I want her scratching me or anyone else for that matter. I have seen violent cats, but Athena is extremely violent. She's possibly wired that way, I guess. She was frisky as my brother and I were transferring her to the cage but when the dogs started barking, she was as meek as a lamb. So we figured that the only way to calm her down was to get a dog or a barking device of some sort. *snorts*

So took her down to the vets in the morning and came home to take a quick shower and grab a bite before heading down to Tanjong Pagar to try on my bridesmaid gown. I love the dress!! It's a velvet halter and it fits me like a glove. I do have to wear higher heels but dang it was a HOT dress *smirk*

I hurried home so my brother could drive me to the vet to pick Athena up. I teared when I saw how frail, tired and scared she looked. I was in complete remorse but the procedure is for her own good. She was pissed at me, biting me when I took her out from her carrier. But what got to me was when I saw her hobbling around the house. Her left hind leg seems to be weaker then the right and she had to drag herself. Occasionally, she tripped over her own leg and crashed onto the floor. I rushed to pick her up but she got into her defensive stance and started hissing at me. Boy, was she pissed.

There was nothing I could do. She didn't seem to like my presence at all. She seemed more threatened by it than comforted. So I left her and met my aunts and my mum at Little India. My cousin's getting married next month and we have all decided to don saris. Laugh, go on, laugh. Within minutes, I bought mine. Apparently there was this gorgeous piece of material that all of them were eyeing and when I arrived at the shop, they got me to try it on. I obliged of course and once again gained stares from the public as the shop assistant wrapped the material around me and got me to parade around in the sari. That aside, it is a beautiful piece. Me like-y!

Had dinner before heading home to check on Athena. She was still groggy and was dragging her hind leg when she moved about. I could tell she was hungry and in pain from the surgery. But I was instructed not to feed her till after ten. When I checked on her, she was on all fours, dozing off. I guess she couldn't lie down because of the pain and she was still groggy from the meds. It was a pityful sight. She awoke startled, looked at me then jumped off the chair. She tripped and almost fell on her face. I was filled with remorse again. Then, she rubbed herself against me. She forgives me!! It was 9pm already and I couldn't bear it anymore, so I fed her, one hour ahead of the recommended time prescribed by the vet. I hope she feels better tomorrow. Have to travel across the border tomorrow, so I won't be able to manja her.

Pretty dull post but I do want to chronicle Athena's life.

I hate school.

The place depresses me and the work is killing me. I foresee a breakdown soon. I can multi-task (well, I try to at least) but what they ask of me is insane! Overlapping deadlines etc...

I need a break.

On the bright side, my one source of comfort and my pillar of strength aka my first brother will be coming down this coming Tuesday. He's awesome :)

I didn't even know that my brother was contemplating leaving the country to work in a university overseas. I told him that that wasn't and shouldn't even be an option. I know I'm being selfish but having one brother move away was very hard on me and now hearing another wanting to migrate... it's tearing me apart.

I feel so alone... and unloved.

Love-Hate Relationship

I just saw the trailer to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and I have 2 words for it... FREAKING AWESOME!!! Come on, with Steven Spielberg as Executive Producer, it has to be a BIG hit! Repeat after me, "Must watch. Must watch!"

Anyway, I wanted to bitch about my brother. I seriously believe it's a guy thing. All I wanted to do was to rant about work and share with him about a kid I have that cannot count (like seriously). But he had to disagree with every bloody thing I had to say!! Why the hell does he need to take the offensive all the time? I just want him to nod and listen. What is so difficult with that? Why must he criticize and counter all that I had to say?

LISTEN. That's all I wanted from him. To listen. But nooo... he had to be a guy and interject the conversation and it got me even more riled up! Thank goodness mum came in and changed the subject. Gah.

Heard about the latest news? This boy murdered his pregnant stepmother. Horrible, terribly horrible incident but get this, reporters interviewed one of the folks about their opinion on the incident and you would never EVER guess his name!! Michael Myers!! Yea the dude from Halloween! Ok, I admit I can't recall the exact spelling (of the interviewee) but still... talk about irony!

Always Out of Key

It'll be 2009 in under 12 hours. I've vowed to make the best of 2009, mainly for yours truly, though selfish as it may sound. I'm tyring to re-invent myself, you could say. At work, changing management, new committee - I'm honestly excited about returning to school. On the homefront, things are pretty rocky and everyone's thinking about benefiting themselves and not the family unit. Oh well, people change over time. You can spend your whole life (or the better part of it) with someone, only to realise that you know absolutely nothing about them or what they are capable of.

Which is why I decided to thrash my Multiply account. I'm not going to discard it completely, being the sentimental nut that I am. I'll link it and ever not-so often look through my entries, but this is where I pledge my loyalty to.

The name that I really wanted, from one of my favourite plays was, "dreamersoftenlie.blogspot.com". Apparently it was already taken so I had to make some adjustments and came up with "thedreamerlies". It had to be grammatical and smart, of course. Enough blabbering, and in light of this first ever post, I share with you one of my favourite poems by one of my favourite writers. Obviously, the inspiration for this blog. Enjoy!

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe