A Quick Note on How Awesome I Am

So the Band teacher ICs requested for my help to emcee their Band event. I was not their first choice, not that that matters to me. They had asked a few other teachers but they were too busy. Then they asked me and I could not resist the chance to help out at a school event, especially since it was an emcee-ing task! Albeit it being last minute, and a night event, I penned it down into my planner.

I was already busy that Friday (10/12) with CCA from 9-11am and lunch with friends. By the time I returned to school, it was close to 4pm and time to get down to business. No script was prepared for me, well at least not a proper script. I had the programme and the sequence of events and a detailed briefing by the band teachers of what was to happen for each item.

I studiously sat down and wrote my script for the next 2 hours. I had a quick dinner, changed and prepped myself for the night. I was excited! Boy, was I excited. I love being on stage and addressing an audience, for whatever the reason or occasion.

Not to be too full of myself but I rocked it. Considering there was no rehearsal, I did a pretty darn good job. Best moment of the night? I mispronounced "percussion" twice! I read it as per-kar-sern. Yea. Not once, but twice. At the end of the event, I ended off with, "Thank you parents for gracing this occasion with your presence. On a more personal note, thank you for bearing with my while I butchered the word "percussion". Have a lovely evening and happy holidays." I kept my cool and that is professionalism.

The post emcee-ing was pretty awesome as well. I managed to spend time with the P6s. We goofed around etc... I will surely miss them.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You

I love this link! Cats are awesome and this proves it.

My T-Shirt's Here!

Here's what I got in the mail today! I'm so happy it's finally here!

Hahaha... I know... I'm such a geek, right? Anyone who has ever studied / dabbled in Physics would know that mass times acceleration equals to force. I had to get this t-shirt when I saw it! But using scientific knowledge and a Star Wars quote does exemplify my geekiness. Oh well. Geeks FTW!!

If You Want to Sell the House, You've Got to Mow the Lawn

Let 'Er Rip!!!

The following post contains information of a private matter of a private area. If you are not comfortable with talk of female genitalia, please do not continue reading.

My dear cousin of mine FINALLY plucked up the courage (consistent theme this month, don't you think?) and mowed her lawn. She opted for the all-off, which in my opinion, is the best choice for a first timer. If it's your virgin (so to speak) experience, might as well go all out, no?

She was absolutely terrified! I had to talk her through the experience and prepare her for what's to come. Coincidentally, I had mine done and she was going to get hers done in an hour or so, so she needed some advice.

I'm chicken-shit. There is no denying that. So for me to pluck up my courage and get a brazilian is A BIG DEAL. Holy shit. I still recall my first time. The thing is, NEVER do research before hand. I read literature and watched videos about people's experiences after their first waxing. Huge mistake. I got scared. Or should I say, *cold fear gripped me. There are all these horror stories out there and even Sex and the City did not help to dispel the fear. Thanks SJP! You'd let me down... still love you heaps though!! How can a brazilian be terrifying, some people have wondered. Well, if anytime someone's yanking hairs from below, trust me, it'll hurt.

Back to the horror stories. From my extensive internet research, I had gathered that you have to get down on all fours and you'd have to raise your leg as if you were a dog peeing on a tree. Or you lie on your back and the therapist would push your legs over your head. That is not a comfortable position. It gets worse, you'd then have to spread your butt cheeks (my what!?) while she'd apply hot wax to my most intimate crevice. *Beads of perspiration trickled down my face. There is no way in hell I'd be rushing in eager anticipation to experience something like that. I mean, a total and complete stranger (wo)man-handling me down there!! What was I even contemplating?

But I was curious and I was getting sick and tired of mowing my own lawn. I am not flexible. Enough said. I plucked up my courage and called Strip. Then I had to wait till my appointment date arrived. It is true, the anticipation of death is worse than death itself.

I won't go into the details of the experience but I do want to declare to you that the experience was in fact, bearable. I'd admit that ripping the hairs off at the top hurt like a mother. I even contemplated walking out with a half-done waxing job. At that moment, I saw stars and hated myself for ever talking myself into getting a brazilian. But I sucked it up and let her complete the task. That was the hardest and most painful of all the locations. The rest were barely noticeable. It's not so much the pain but the shock and force that you experience. My therapist (Queenie) was very experienced and knew what she was doing. I felt safe in her hands. Literally.

Oh, I didn't need to get on all fours nor did I have to be in any compromising positions. Pppfffttt! Liars. And the back? I didn't even feel a thing. And get this, after everything was done. I felt different. I literally felt like I was a new me. It's hard to explain but quoting Eva Longoria, I felt like Angelina Jolie. I walked out of the outlet, grinning and with a skip in my step. I felt confident, alive and not to mention brave. I had to quell the urge to show off my badge of honour as I like to call it. And I've never looked back. I make it a point to get it done regularly and each time, I feel empowered. Plus, it hurts less the more you go. Like last night, I could hardly feel a thing. I am hardcore! Hehehe.

Oh, my cousin felt the same way too and now she can't wait for her next time. Am I good or what? I should SO focus on world domination. Well, it's not like I've not thought about it *wink-wink*

*phrases stolen from my boys' compositions. It was a mad rush to mark their compos and return it to them to revise over the weekend. Eurgh.

Stupid Active Volcano

My brother was supposed to fly in next Saturday but his flight's cancelled. All thanks to Eyjafjallajokull.

I miss him so much and I was looking forward to his visit. Not even this joke...

What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano's still blowing ash.

...could cheer me up.

M.I.A

It has been way too long. But I have a reasonable explanation for my absence. I've been real happy and not terribly annoyed of late. Yup. I blog when something pisses the hell out of me or gets on my nerves.

You know what I mean. You call up a friend to rant / bitch / whine and not so much to share the good news. Listening to your friends' woes / troubles / conflict is always much more interesting than listening to their good times. It's the same for me too. I'm pretty sure you'd be bored if I started going on about how good my day / week / life has been. You want to hear me mad, upset and raving about something. I do get bored writing happy stories anyway. So it's win-win.

But I do have some entries on draft. Yea, I keep my entries on draft until I'm satisfied with them and feel comfortable enough to share them with the world. The world? Who am I kidding? Very few out there know of this blog. Hello "World"!!

I want to share this link with you. I salute her for her genius and her creativity. This is reality, my friends. The whole Happily Ever After that you've grown up with or have been told to believe, is BULLSHIT. True story.

Hair Here... There... Everywhere!

Eurgh. I have to teach P5 Health Ed. I only looked through the Activity Book yesterday morning right before my first lesson with the class and I literally screamed out loud! I have to teach... PUBERTY!!! OMG!!! I could have died right there and then! It's not even one of the last few units (when I'm much more comfortable with the class and vice versa) BUT it is THE FIRST unit! Like how can I walk into a new class and start talking about... about... that! Gah. I can just imagine the scenario.

me: Good morning boys!

class: Gooooood..... mooooorniiiiiiiing..... Miiiiiiiss..... Paaaaarveeeeeeen.....

After some mandatory introductions, setting of rules etc...

me: Turn to page 1 of your Health Ed books. Today we will be discussing a topic which everyone of you will eventually go through, if some of you are not already going through it. Now, what is puberty?

Bloody hell. The ground might as well open up and swallow me whole. I was panicking; I had no game plan. I sucked it up and walked to class. I figured the boys would be just as traumatised as I was. And I was right. I was completely honest with the boys and shared with them that I've never discussed / talked about puberty with anyone before. Let alone teach it. They seemed to be a bit more at ease, knowing that I too was not at all comfortable and we joked around a little with the topic. I wanted them to be at ease with me and be comfortable enough with me for them to possibly share what they are going through. Boys are mean and I'm certain they would not want to talk about puberty with their peers.

So far so good. I take pride in being an excellent story-teller and they were listening eagerly to my tales of growing up or the lack of, if you get my drift. I felt I gave a good first impression and didn't make a complete ass out of myself. Hey, PUBERTY hor... you try talking about THAT in front of a bunch of 11-year olds.

But it wasn't over. That was Monday and I had another class on Tuesday (today). Now this is a better class as compared to the previous one. Since I did remarkably well at that one, obviously it'd be way easier in this better class. What I didn't count on was how eager the boys were for my arrival. I was waiting outside the classroom and when some boys noticed my presence, I could hear them whispering Hey, it's Ms Parveen! She's finally here. Quick quick... Ms Parveen's here already etc etc... Oh boy... dragons in my stomach... yes, fire-breathing, big-winged creatures were flying about in my stomach. I was even more nervous than the previous day!

I stepped in and almost immediately the class started shouting MS PARVEEN! YOUR SON IS HERE! LOOOOOK! You see... Kieran... my Day 1 Musical son's in that very class. I adore him but I didn't want to make it obvious to the class... but they ruined my plan... gah! I couldn't help grinning at their display and the poor boy's scarlet red face! I turned to the class and simply said to them, "I had a plan. I planned to walk in with a serious expression on my face and YOU ruined it. I'll try again." So I did. I walked out and walked back in, putting on my best "serious" look. I could see the boys stifling their laughter and I applaud them for being such good sports!

This class seemed more eager to listen to me than the previous one. I guess because more of them know me as compared to the other class. I shared stories, told some jokes like what I did in the other class. I noticed, however, that this class was a lot more squeamish with the topic. Some protested and wanted to skip the unit entirely! I must really think about my Health Ed lessons to cater to these two classes.

Oh at the end of my class... I ended with this... It is every Mother's duty to discuss the topic of puberty with her son... and I turned to look at Kieran. The class roared with laughter!! My son? He beamed at me before turning scarlet red again. The poor boy... hmmm... poor boys, actually! They have ME to get them through this stage of their lives. Sigh. Why not a male teacher? Or even a married teacher?? Or a REAL mother???

Dimitri The Stud

Check out this voice mail message this guy left a girl he met at a bar. He is SO full of himself I can't believe if the message is genuine. ENJOY :)

We Don't All Love Barney

Not Barney Stinson. Everyone should love him. He is LEGEN...wait for it...DARY! *grins* I am talking about the purple dinosaur. Yes, I cringed too.

WARNING: This is not for the faint-hearted or the immature or the easily influenced. Some of you may get offended with the contents of this entry. I just want to say that you have been warned and I shall not be blamed for the effects of what you are about to read may cause.

I will first share with you a video. It at first seems harmless; I mean IT is teaching not to let the water from the faucet run when one is brushing the teeth. But focus on the actual action of the brushing and what the poor boy was made to mime. To be more specific, how he mimed the action. If I were him, I'd join a witness protection program and dye my hair. CLICK.

Then there's this (below) which I don't find to be funny at all but it is obvious that whoever "discovered" the finding has no life. Yes, I use the word discovered very loosely. But I am generous, so I will share it with you, nonetheless.

1. Barney is well-described with the following phrase:

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2. The old Latin alphabet used the letter 'V' in place of 'U', therefore the above phrase is modified to:

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3. Letters that do not represent Roman numerals are removed:

CV-- -V--L- DI----V-

4. Add up the Roman numerals of the remaining letters:

C + V + V + L + D + I + V

100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666

Yea. Whatever *rolls eyes*. Now what I have to share with you next, will keep you entertained for hours on end. I know I was.

(sung to the tune of the original)

I hate you, you hate me,

Let's all go and shoot Barney.

With a gunshot, BANG BANG, Barney on the floor.

No more purple dinosaur.

I love you, you love me,

Homosexuality.

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,

Don't you know we're lesbians too?

Don't take it to heart. This is meant to be light-hearted and I am just poking some (more like "alot of") fun at the creature. I take no credit for the above songs, they're like campfire songs I heard from the day.

Check with your BFF (Google) and you'll find tons more!

It's Easy to Be My Friend

You must

• love durian... not like / I'm okay with it... but LOVE
• NOT listen to one genre of music... unless it's rock
• be able to quote random lines from Star Wars & LOTR
• be able to laugh at me and at yourself quite often
• NEVER speak to me when we're watching a movie together in the cinema

This is obviously a work in progress.

Is It Just Me or Do They Seem Bigger?

Today was one of those outings where jokes were told and people laughed. Ok, that is a total understatement of the awesome-ness that is today; of innuendoes, double entendre, puns and blatantly obvious so-lame-but-I-still-can't-help-but-laugh-at-them jokes / stories. I laughed so much (and hard) I could have peed in my pants. True story.

My favourite bit would have to be... *drum rolls* when Syabil mentioned something about Aqil pms-ing and he went on to say that he should remove his uterus.

Sidenote: If you have no uterus, you have no say in this. But when it comes to that time of the month and I get those cramps, I just want to squat by the side of the road and rip out my bloody uterus.

Back to the story. Unfortunately, being a dude, Syabil apparently has no clue where a uterus should be so he mimed the ripping of the uterus somewhere near his heart. I immediately burst out laughing. It could be a job hazard but the teacher in me had to correct him so I showed him where he should have positioned his hand if he wants to rip out his uterus. The dude completely lost it! He literally had to back away from us and laughed hysterically a few feet away from us.

But it doesn't stop there. I was on a roll today, you see. I proclaimed very calmly, "Just because your heart bleeds from there, it doesn't mean that everything that bleeds has to be positioned there." All 3 of us lost it! We were creating quite a scene at the bus stop! There were stares BUT get this, some of them were surpressing giggles!!

I guess one could say that that was our good deed for the day. I mean we did put smiles on people's faces.

Back to Reality... Bloody Reality

Dear Diary,

Today I spat at my son. Just when we were starting to bond, I had to screw it up. I couldn't help myself though... I got carried away with the scene and I forgot my lines; so I got a tad flustered and I was trying to enunciate and SPLAT! right on his nose. He didn't notice at first, not until I shrieked and went, "Oh my Gawd! I spat on you! I'm so sorry! SONNNNNNNNNN!!!!" Then he blushed and cowered when I tried to wipe it off. Sigh. But he was so professional about it. Picked himself up and continued with the scene, leaving me as the bumbling idiot. Ahhh.... my son.... I love my son.

On a more entertaining side, I decided to wish Them Boys & Deux a happy start to the new term and I was amused by the varied responses which I received. I'll share some:

• It's not my first day... my first day was years ago
• Aw dreads... hate it man... i got the start sch blues now... hahas thxs anyway :)
• Haha thank you? You too :) Don't kill anyone in school arh! Must be a good teacher :) haha
• Don't remind me :(
• Doubt I'll have one... dread it so much!
• HAHA BALLZ MAN. I can't wait to go to school. But I don't feel like going. What's wrong?
• No. It's always not great on the first day of school. I try.
• I loathe this day... I hate first days of sch... Cause it's the worst time to screw up
• I'm planning to pon sch and sleep

Cute aren't they?

Mmm... kitty's going psycho... she's licking my toes; I think she's hungry. Ciao.

If Your Pet Dog & Cat Kept A Diary

This is beyond hilarious.

Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed cold hash or some sort of dry nuggets.Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. I plan as I stare from the window... In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of, however they merely made condescending comments about the 'nice gift' and what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this 'allergies' means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow...but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I regularly observe him communicating with the guards in their language. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..........

I am such a cat person!!

Note to self: Not wearing waterproof mascara can cause one to look like a member from KISS.

Another note to self: That is NEVER a good thing.

My Very Own Acid Flashback

Note to self: Do not have phone conversations that last till the wee hours of the morning... especially if it's a school day the next day. I am running on 2 hours of sleep. Gah. Everything is moving in slow motion; especially my senses. I feel so light-headed. Ironically, my MP3 player was playing tons of songs from Across the Universe and now I feel so high, dudes. So high.

I could be on the Pineapple Express. Heh. Speaking of which, sadly that wasn't that good a stoner film as I thought it'd be. It was from the producers of Superbad and that movie was super hilarious! But still my favourite stoner film has to be Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle. Can The Big Lebowski be included? The Dude was pretty stoned throughout most of the film anyway.

The Big Lebowski: What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude: Dude.

The Big Lebowski: Huh?

The Dude: Uhh... I don't know sir.

The Big Lebowski: Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man?

The Dude: Hmmm... Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

Classic.

Because After 2am is When Things Get Legendary

Cluedo is a God-send! I have spent many late nights the past week suggesting and accusing and I am so addicted to the game that I find myself looking forward to coming home just so that I can play the game with my brother and his wife. Addictions are nasty business indeed.

On one such night, my brother and I were deciding where to take the family for dinner. Every weekend, we pick a location that we've not been to before and once a decision has been made, he drives us all there. To make said decisions, we entrust the help of this site, Hungry Go Where. I absolutely am fascinated by how organised the categories are and you are literally spoiled for choice! It caters to lifestyle choice, time of day, craving, preference of location etc. That's how David's birthday dinner location was finalised and believe me, it was a memorable dining experience.

But that's not my point. A couple of days back, my brother asked if I knew any nice places that he could take his wife to. Without blinking an eye, I very casually said, "Oh, go to boredgowhere.com" and he really did! I think my natural passive nature fooled him and he couldn't tell that I was pulling a fast one on him! Damn.

Then it hit me, BoredGoWhere.com does sound like a legitimate site. Think about it, if there really is a Hungry Go Where, why not the one which I made up? It must have been the night air but the hamsters in my head were racing on their wheels; I started coming up with ridiculous yet believable site names.

• Bored Go Where - I would honestly visit this site quite religiously.


• Antisocial Go Where - For those, like me, who shun crowded spots. The only downfall is popularity would defeat the purpose of the site.


• Emo Go Where - For those who are tired of sitting in the bathroom slitting your wrists, visit the site for more locations to brood with your posse.


• Lazy Go Where - Haunts located a stone's throw from your area of residence.

A crazy thought was to have one that catered to your lifestyle choice (Straight Go Where, Gay Go Where, Curious Go Where etc...). Come on, it's hilarious!! Don't get me wrong, this is just meant to be a joke but as Barney (as in Neil Patrick Harris' character in How I Met Your Mother and not the purple dinosaur) would say, "If you don't laugh, it would just seem mean."

Plus I was awake way after my bedtime so I had to stop coming up with site names... and for the record, if those names do get used, you heard it here first.

Oh and Aqil, stop reading what I KNOW you're reading before you get addicted. Ask me nicely and I may just share with you my favourite stories *wink wink*.