I Amaze Myself

I can be so stupid I amaze myself sometimes. I can't believe I told the dude (mini dude) about the day I helped a certain friend. I promised said friend that I will never ever mention it to the dude but I CANNOT lie to the dude. It's the dude! I love him too much. If he were to ever find out, I'd much rather he find it out from me and not from some other source. I hope he's cool with what I told him. He claims to be cool with it but it's not something one can get over so easily without some form of therapy.

I still stand by what I said; my only intention was to help out said friend and nothing more. No regrets. Maybe perhaps for being stupid enough to tell the dude.

Sigh. Mum left this morning and I've to fend for myself till Sat. I've been bugging my friends to go out with me so that I would not be alone and bored at home. Dad only returns home after 7 so I have time to kill after school. Today, the dude boarded the same bus I was on! What are the odds, really! I could tell he was just as ecstatic as I was. We had lunch together and I walked him to his church. It was great just being with him and not having the others around. They can be such a distraction sometimes and the dude either takes a step back and tries not to dominate the conversation or he tries to outdo the others just to get my attention. Boys will be boys, after all.

After church, he decided to drop by my place and we were just chilling; it was very low key. He's the only one I've allowed to see me without my make-up on and in my pyjamas. That's how comfortable I am around him. I shan't get mushy. Well, not yet anyway. So while waiting with him for his bus, that's when I decided to spill the beans. Well, I started my confession but the bus was approaching so the rest had to be conveyed over the phone.

I'm glad I told him and I'm sure he'll get over it. But I really pray that things have not changed between us. Plus, I hope he doesn't decide to beat up said friend.

*edit The dude just asked if we can meet tomorrow. Die.

On Day 2 and then some

I had to hitchhike during the lunch break today. There was no way... NO WAY I was going to join Senior for lunch but the people at my table were from the school and they ventured off in their pack, leaving me behind. I walked out, saw a friendly bunch and asked if I could join them for lunch. I'm such a loser. I can watch a movie by myself, I can shop on my own (I prefer to anyway) but I just can't, absolutely CANNOT eat outside alone. I need company when I'm eating outside. It could be psychological; the food tastes better when I'm dining with others. Eating is not a solitary activity. You can quote me on that.

Day Two was not any better. As compared to last year, this time it's really a drag. I mean, CL Paper? Seriously? I believe it's a conspiracy. Considering I enjoyed myself tremendously during the marking last year, this could be my retribution. I am dreading every single moment I am in that room.

I try not to partake in the conversations. Why? What do teachers talk about when they get together? School. Their pupils. Work. They start comparing notes and seem genuinely captivated by what you have to say. They lie. It's all just small talk. A means to an end. Those mind-numbing conversations are purely silence-fillers. I'd much rather the silence than sit through a forced conversation. I need to find a synonym for conversation.

Why are you so petrified of silence... Here can you handle this?.....

I conducted a little experiment of my own. Yes, I was that bored. Whilst waiting for break to be announced, I made a mental list of posible conversations that I will eventually have with these people (teachers). It had to generic and light-hearted yet intimate enough to be a convincing story. It went something along the lines of...

I'm teaching P1 in all-boys school. It's my first posting and the first time I'm teaching that level. My practicum was at IJTP and when I got my posting to my current school, I thought MOE was playing a practical joke on me! *cue laughter* Then someone will ask how it is like to teach boys and I would provide a simple We have our really good ones and we also have those that can't seem to get out of trouble. *cue laughter*

Armed with my story, I tried it out on 3 different groups / packs. The results did not surprise me. In each group that I went to, their reactions were the same and they asked the same series of questions. It was as if I was in a play and had to perform my piece multiple times. It was intriguing, to say the least.

This is the very reason why I despise social gatherings. You have to repeat your bloody story all the bloody time. It gets on my nerves. It's not as if they care about what you have just shared. Having that piece of information is not going to get us any closer. Nor are they going to know me any better. I respect an individual who does not ask me about my bio-data but would rather join me in a discussion or a tete-a-tete.

Opinions matter more to me than personal information. I dare you to disagree with me on this. You remember a person better if they provided an intimate detail about themselves rather than some random piece of biodata. If you are at a social gathering and you want to leave an impression... well, IMPRESS! Don't spill out your resume and rave about your profession. Give a generic story then move away from the topic. Your life does not revolve around your work.

A Time for Truce? I hope not.

Gah. I'm in the same room as Senior. I don't mind the fact that we will be in the same centre for these 4 days but what are the odds of us being in the same room!! Someone's playing a practical joke on me. Hey. Hey, you up there! It ain't funny!!

Oh well, I can be civil if the need arises... only if the need arises. Which means I won't initiate any conversation nor will I put myself in a position where we would need to converse with each other.

I lie. We did converse. Thinking about it, he was way more civil than I was. Thinking about it some more, it could have been me who made things awkward between us and not him. He initiated a conversation even when he did not have to. He has been cordial towards me whereas I have been rather standoff-ish.

Hmmm. I still prefer not to have him be a part of my life. It was messy before and it will definitely be messy now. Do I miss what we had? Not really. Perhaps not even at all. Here's to simplicity!

Credibility

• capable of being believed
• worthy of belief or confidence; trustworthy

Being credible is subjective. Does being more senior / experienced make you a credible person? Does being charismatic or adamant to a point of annoyance make you trustworthy?

I think not. Show me that I can trust you. Show me that I should trust you. It is common knowledge and especially after our chat, it is pretty evident that you are in fact, an idiot. Besides telling me that you don't know and that I should find out for myself, you've not given me reason to trust you or to respect you even. Yet you demand it. Don't we teach our students that in order to gain respect they have to show respect to others?

How can I respect someone who obviously takes sides without finding out the truth? Even when the truth has been presented to you, you choose to dismiss it. Then you turn it around and claim that I am too sensitive and should be more hardy.

I find all of this very amusing. It is stupid to get so worked up over such a small matter. It feels like playground banter to me. Let's all try to grow up, shall we?

Take this as feedback and not a complaint.

The Little Things Give You Away

Dear Diary,

I don't believe in coincidences but rather I am from that school that believes things happen for a reason. Be it a lesson or a warning, things don't just happen.

A girlfriend sent me this text message this morning:

Parv, I dreamt of you! Dreamt that you left teaching for good and life was rather blissful for you! Haha. Do you happen to have such thoughts? (the rest of it is not relevant to this post)

I can't help but ponder... are these all signs? Is someone up there trying to lure me onto a different path?

The Morning Where All Was Revealed

Let me tell you a story.

My duty this morning was to confirm the attendance of the P1 level. The Form Teachers will mark the attendance during assembly when the boys have already assembled and give the files to the General Office. My duty is to then collect these files (of an assigned level) and to go around to the classes confirming their attendance. I will then report my findings back to the office who will then have another teacher assigned to call up the absentees to enquire as to why they are not present in school for that day.

A bloody waste of time if you ask me. I do not believe THAT is part of our job scope. A free period is not for us to be forced to do work that we did not sign up for. Then you complain... no, provide feedback that we are inefficient or cannot seem to make deadlines. Bah.

So... on my rounds, I could not find 1 class. I literally searched high and low for the class - walked up and down levels. I looked at the timetable and saw that it was EL so I listed out the possible locations that the teacher could have taken the class to. It was 3 periods so it had to be a comfortable venue. Strange. All my options turned up nil. I went back down to the class and found 3 boys inside. Here's our exchange:

Me: Hey boys, do you know where your class is?

Them: Probably in the Dance Studio.

Me: What? What lesson is it now?

Them: English.

Me: And they're in the Dance Studio? Do you normally have your classes there?

Them: Yea. Sometimes here. Sometimes there.

Me: Okay. Do you want to follow me up?

Them: No. We usually stay here and do our work.

Perplexed, I was. A state of disbelief I was in. So I made my way up to the Dance Studio and all was revealed. Yes, she had her Modern Dance boys rehearsing AND she had her English class seated in the corner... not doing work, but watching the rehearsals. My my my... from the 3 boys' response, I'm guessing this isn't the first time either.

Glad that I've finally found the class and that I can go back to the staffroom to do some REAL work, I made my way to the General Office. I bumped into management and reported my findings in the most diplomatic way possible. Oh, you know *** ***, I had a tiring morning today... I lost a class... Had to walk all over tha place.... laughs.... I told everything as how I saw it. Management's response? I take it that this is feedback and not a complaint. That was very biting and I was slightly taken aback. Management was neither angry, upset nor baffled but seemed annoyed at me for a reason. I even was told off for not bringing the boys up to the Dance Studio!

Hey bitch! That ain't my class and it ain't my responsibility. I'm doing my rounds under your command. Plus, I did ask the boys to go up but they said that they were told to stay in class and to do their work. Seems to me like they're used to this system of things. Why don't you ask the subject teacher who's at this moment conducting CCA instead of a lesson. Of course, what I said was much more streamlined and coherent than that.

Management's only other response was that she'd have a word with PE HOD and the teacher's RO. I was dismissed after that.

My my my... the things that people can get away with... now, imagine if that were me... I would be sacked if I attempted a stunt like that brave but well protected teacher.

I am so jaded and Kravitz's Fly Away is playing right now. Heh. I love my shuffle play; it has never failed me.

Bright Side

This first week of school has been a real killer. It's only the first week and I already feel like I'm dying! I can barely keep my head above the water. The work has yet to pile up and thankfully I'm on top of my marking but it's the mad rush of trying to keep up that's going to get me into a cardiac arrest. This is a very short term, with all the holidays and the PSLE marking and what nots. Plus we end 2 weeks early.

My to do list ended up being 2 pages long with close to 30 items for me to do. I planned out the term calendar to see how much work I can allocate to my boys to prepare them for the final year exams... trust me, it did not look good at all. It looks good on paper but it means that I must sacrifice my social life for this term :( I've to clear my marking daily just to keep up with giving them daily homework.

Gah.

On a more personal note, having dinner and then coffee with her was such an eye opener. She's such a nice person to be around. She's frank, not so street-smart but not gullible. She is truly a visionary leader. She'd make a good girlfriend. I do hope we can keep in touch once we're both out of this hell hole.

I'm still in school coz it's our P2 Speech and Drama (night) Performance. Which means another late night for me this week... hopefully not till past midnight again!!