I Amaze Myself

I can be so stupid I amaze myself sometimes. I can't believe I told the dude (mini dude) about the day I helped a certain friend. I promised said friend that I will never ever mention it to the dude but I CANNOT lie to the dude. It's the dude! I love him too much. If he were to ever find out, I'd much rather he find it out from me and not from some other source. I hope he's cool with what I told him. He claims to be cool with it but it's not something one can get over so easily without some form of therapy.

I still stand by what I said; my only intention was to help out said friend and nothing more. No regrets. Maybe perhaps for being stupid enough to tell the dude.

Sigh. Mum left this morning and I've to fend for myself till Sat. I've been bugging my friends to go out with me so that I would not be alone and bored at home. Dad only returns home after 7 so I have time to kill after school. Today, the dude boarded the same bus I was on! What are the odds, really! I could tell he was just as ecstatic as I was. We had lunch together and I walked him to his church. It was great just being with him and not having the others around. They can be such a distraction sometimes and the dude either takes a step back and tries not to dominate the conversation or he tries to outdo the others just to get my attention. Boys will be boys, after all.

After church, he decided to drop by my place and we were just chilling; it was very low key. He's the only one I've allowed to see me without my make-up on and in my pyjamas. That's how comfortable I am around him. I shan't get mushy. Well, not yet anyway. So while waiting with him for his bus, that's when I decided to spill the beans. Well, I started my confession but the bus was approaching so the rest had to be conveyed over the phone.

I'm glad I told him and I'm sure he'll get over it. But I really pray that things have not changed between us. Plus, I hope he doesn't decide to beat up said friend.

*edit The dude just asked if we can meet tomorrow. Die.

On Day 2 and then some

I had to hitchhike during the lunch break today. There was no way... NO WAY I was going to join Senior for lunch but the people at my table were from the school and they ventured off in their pack, leaving me behind. I walked out, saw a friendly bunch and asked if I could join them for lunch. I'm such a loser. I can watch a movie by myself, I can shop on my own (I prefer to anyway) but I just can't, absolutely CANNOT eat outside alone. I need company when I'm eating outside. It could be psychological; the food tastes better when I'm dining with others. Eating is not a solitary activity. You can quote me on that.

Day Two was not any better. As compared to last year, this time it's really a drag. I mean, CL Paper? Seriously? I believe it's a conspiracy. Considering I enjoyed myself tremendously during the marking last year, this could be my retribution. I am dreading every single moment I am in that room.

I try not to partake in the conversations. Why? What do teachers talk about when they get together? School. Their pupils. Work. They start comparing notes and seem genuinely captivated by what you have to say. They lie. It's all just small talk. A means to an end. Those mind-numbing conversations are purely silence-fillers. I'd much rather the silence than sit through a forced conversation. I need to find a synonym for conversation.

Why are you so petrified of silence... Here can you handle this?.....

I conducted a little experiment of my own. Yes, I was that bored. Whilst waiting for break to be announced, I made a mental list of posible conversations that I will eventually have with these people (teachers). It had to generic and light-hearted yet intimate enough to be a convincing story. It went something along the lines of...

I'm teaching P1 in all-boys school. It's my first posting and the first time I'm teaching that level. My practicum was at IJTP and when I got my posting to my current school, I thought MOE was playing a practical joke on me! *cue laughter* Then someone will ask how it is like to teach boys and I would provide a simple We have our really good ones and we also have those that can't seem to get out of trouble. *cue laughter*

Armed with my story, I tried it out on 3 different groups / packs. The results did not surprise me. In each group that I went to, their reactions were the same and they asked the same series of questions. It was as if I was in a play and had to perform my piece multiple times. It was intriguing, to say the least.

This is the very reason why I despise social gatherings. You have to repeat your bloody story all the bloody time. It gets on my nerves. It's not as if they care about what you have just shared. Having that piece of information is not going to get us any closer. Nor are they going to know me any better. I respect an individual who does not ask me about my bio-data but would rather join me in a discussion or a tete-a-tete.

Opinions matter more to me than personal information. I dare you to disagree with me on this. You remember a person better if they provided an intimate detail about themselves rather than some random piece of biodata. If you are at a social gathering and you want to leave an impression... well, IMPRESS! Don't spill out your resume and rave about your profession. Give a generic story then move away from the topic. Your life does not revolve around your work.

A Time for Truce? I hope not.

Gah. I'm in the same room as Senior. I don't mind the fact that we will be in the same centre for these 4 days but what are the odds of us being in the same room!! Someone's playing a practical joke on me. Hey. Hey, you up there! It ain't funny!!

Oh well, I can be civil if the need arises... only if the need arises. Which means I won't initiate any conversation nor will I put myself in a position where we would need to converse with each other.

I lie. We did converse. Thinking about it, he was way more civil than I was. Thinking about it some more, it could have been me who made things awkward between us and not him. He initiated a conversation even when he did not have to. He has been cordial towards me whereas I have been rather standoff-ish.

Hmmm. I still prefer not to have him be a part of my life. It was messy before and it will definitely be messy now. Do I miss what we had? Not really. Perhaps not even at all. Here's to simplicity!

Credibility

• capable of being believed
• worthy of belief or confidence; trustworthy

Being credible is subjective. Does being more senior / experienced make you a credible person? Does being charismatic or adamant to a point of annoyance make you trustworthy?

I think not. Show me that I can trust you. Show me that I should trust you. It is common knowledge and especially after our chat, it is pretty evident that you are in fact, an idiot. Besides telling me that you don't know and that I should find out for myself, you've not given me reason to trust you or to respect you even. Yet you demand it. Don't we teach our students that in order to gain respect they have to show respect to others?

How can I respect someone who obviously takes sides without finding out the truth? Even when the truth has been presented to you, you choose to dismiss it. Then you turn it around and claim that I am too sensitive and should be more hardy.

I find all of this very amusing. It is stupid to get so worked up over such a small matter. It feels like playground banter to me. Let's all try to grow up, shall we?

Take this as feedback and not a complaint.

The Little Things Give You Away

Dear Diary,

I don't believe in coincidences but rather I am from that school that believes things happen for a reason. Be it a lesson or a warning, things don't just happen.

A girlfriend sent me this text message this morning:

Parv, I dreamt of you! Dreamt that you left teaching for good and life was rather blissful for you! Haha. Do you happen to have such thoughts? (the rest of it is not relevant to this post)

I can't help but ponder... are these all signs? Is someone up there trying to lure me onto a different path?