Phony is Spelled with an 'F'

I find you very fake. We had this huge argument which I will not mention here else people will know who I am speaking of. But we had this HUGE argument, which was silly because it showed me what a complete imbecile you are. If everyone around you at that moment, inclusive of me, told you that you were wrong and that you should not have done what you did, I do not see why you had to take it out on me. I pointed out your mistake, being a caring friend, and you turn around and accuse me of taking sides! Then when the rest pointed out that they too felt that you were in the wrong, you continued to take it out on me!!

Back to the point where I find you fake. Correction, very fake. You approach me to make amends and you immediately return to your annoying self. Were you blind? Could you not see that I was in the midst of important business and could not spare the time for your ever-changing emotions? There is an appropriate amount of time before one is forgiven and the unfortunate event can be forgotten. That appropriate amount of time is not immediately after you apologise.

Argh!!!

Time

Now that my colleagues (not all) are aware of my transfer, they have made it a point to speak to me. I'm not saying that prior to it they hardly spoke to me, but it was always work related and small talk most of the time. But recently I've noticed that they literally stop what they're doing and they talk to me. Not chat but talk. I know it's the hols and all, but I've CCA and packing of my table and admin shit to clear and I'm not the only one, so I do happen to bump into my colleagues now and again.

That's always the case though isn't it? Only when you know that someone will no longer be part of your life, do you then try to find the time to spend as much time as you can with them. It's human nature, it's one of our many big flaws.

Sadly, only because of the news of my posting have I had the time to spend time with some of my colleagues where before I could not find the time to. I'm glad that I finally did manage to spend time with them, be it a chat, talk or lunch / dinner get together. That got me thinking, how quickly time passes you by and you get caught up with work and everything else which I find less important, that you forget to find the time to spend it with the people around you.

I promise to make time for my friends, new and old.

I Have Great Friends

I am truly blessed with great friends. As a parting gift, my bunch got me a photo frame and they attached a recent group photo of us. They also each wrote in a card and when they presented both the frame and the card to me, the waterworks started. My initial reaction was to scold them for getting me something but I was very very touched by what they did.

My guys on the other hand, took it upon themselves to "warn" me about the new environment to prepare me for what I may have to encounter. It got me very worried but it was sweet, what they did. They feel the need to protect me still! How cute is that!

I'm going to miss them terribly and I'm pretty certain the feeling's mutual. I must must not go MIA and do my best to keep in touch with them.

When It Rains, It Pours

Today was a tough day for me to have to go through. It was P1 Orientation and the last official working day for the staff. I was not present for the staff activities this week as I was down with the flu so I could not really get a chance to see them since the news of my posting.

Watching the school's corporate video got to me. Like, real tears were streaming down my face. Seeing the images of the boys on the screen and being amidst my colleagues and it finally dawned on me that I am leaving and that I will no longer be a part of the school. At least I'm part of the video, so I'm leaving a part of me behind.

The feeling got worse as I was clearing my desk and it all went downhill from there, as I was walking out of the school gates. Gosh. I must really close this chapter in my life in order to open up the next one.

Sounds Like A Terrible Idea to Me

I can't believe he asked me out. I'm trying my best to believe that it's innocent and that he means nothing more by it than to catch up and have dinner.

But why is my gut telling me otherwise.

Students teach Teachers

I still remember my first year at Cat High. Technically, it was just 6 months as I was posted in Semester 2, so I only had to teach a class for 2 terms in the second half of the year. I was a terrible teacher. I was too strict, unforgiving and not that compassionate. I was very by the book and I'm pretty sure I wasn't well-liked. But I did get the grades though.

4 years on from that day, I have toned down considerably. I am still strict but I allow some leeway and only under extreme circumstances do I enforce punishment. But I still do get the grades. And I am a whole lot happier teaching now than I was when I first started. The main difference is that I connected with the boys. It took me some time to realise that they are people too and they have feelings. They have their off-days as well and need some time to themselves. I can't force them if they're not mentally up to it. Just like adults. That to me, is the difference between a good teacher and a great teacher.

Yan Wei, from my P5 Health Ed class invited me to his 11th birthday party. Now, I have been to a couple of birthday parties but what made this special for me is that this kid is in a class that I teach only a period a week. I see them once a week for 30mins. His class has 40 pupils and in a single period lesson, I would speak for the majority of the time while the rest would have to listen to me. The unruly and the talkative ones would get my attention. Yan Wei, is quiet. He'd be the kind of kid you'd often overlook. I knew him the year before because of the musical but we didn't have a chance to interact. So it came as a surprise to me that he invited me! Obviously I had to go. Imagine the amount of courage he had to muster to invite a teacher he hardly spoke to!

Go, I did. And I am glad that I did. I saw the boys of the class in a new light and they saw me in a new light too. I am not uptight and I do not put on the teacher act after school hours and especially not outside of school. I enjoyed their company at the party and I am sure they enjoyed mine too. We got to know each other on a more personal level and a newfound respect was built. They are still kids after all, and tried to push the boundaries but they knew their limits too. I honestly felt sad to part ways and head home when the party ended.

I still stand by what I said, the pupils whom I have taught, have taught me to become a better teacher. Now that's something NIE doesn't teach you.

The Saga Comes to an End

Last night, Jeeshan and I spoke to each other and in the eyes of those present (Siraj & Daddy), you could say that we cleared the air.

But a part of me is still confused and skeptical about last night.

Is it possible that after all the things that were done and said, that things can go back to normal ie back to when we were close? Because right after that, he enters my room and starts talking about movies and music. For me, that seemed too quick for me. I needed to digest whatever's just happened and erase the bits of memories of the saga from the past 8-9 months. Or is it just me with the problem?

The frustrating thing for me is that I'm not even sure why I feel confused and skeptical. Apparently, he was already giving me the cold shoulder prior to the hospital incident. Then by the time it came to that, he felt that there was a communication breakdown between us and he didn't know how to get to me / communicate with me, that he just continued with the cold shoulder treatment. I have no recollection of that nor did I ever notice that there was a communication breakdown between us prior to the hospital incident.

It just doesn't make sense to me. He said that as my brother, he's never stopped loving or caring for me, but why then did he do and say all of those things to me? I don't think we tackled the issue of respect because I strongly feel that that's the main issue and that's why he acted the way he did the past couple of months. Or is it just me with the problem?

I think of last night and I have more questions than answers.

Hari Raya Revelations

People have gotten today all wrong. Yes, it is a day to seek forgiveness from your elders and from those whom you have wronged but do you have to wait till today to actually apologise to them? If you've made a mistake and you know you're in the wrong, why can't you just apologise at that very instance of revelation. Why wait.

What got to me was that I received an apology from someone and the person even managed to tell me exactly when the mistake occurred and what the mistake was. Mind you, this mistake occurred MONTHS ago. Why wait so long to apologise especially when you realised that you were in the wrong and you knew it all along. I have no qualms with generic apologies but to be so precise and specific about 1 incident, now that's just unhealthy.

It gets worse. I was explaining to someone how I feel that the word "sorry" holds no value and therefore people abuse it. An apology does not solve any of the inherent problems the quarreling parties may have. The issues need to be addressed in order for the parties involved to move on. I don't see how saying sorry can mend the relationship without addressing why they were arguing in the first place. I'm not saying that apologising is irrelevant, it just shouldn't be the only solution.

The person laughs and says that it doesn't matter because we are all human anyway and we will make the same mistakes over and over again. I was appalled. No wonder we live in such a dysfunctional world. We make mistakes and then apologise knowing fully well that we will make that very same mistake again. Why the hell apologise in the first place?! The apology is to serve the purpose that you are telling the other party that you respect them and that you would not repeat the mistake! Even my P2 kids can tell you that! I've overheard a conversation where one of them apologises to another for shoving him. The other kid turns around and very calmly says, "Each time you shove me, you apologise. Why apologise when you're going to make the same mistake again." 8 years old, imagine that.

Spend Time with Positive People

Life will always throw you curveballs. That is a constant that can never change. So the most you can do is to prepare yourself for when shit hits the fan. Some of you may say that I am cynical but I believe that I am just being realistic. Which is why people who are constantly smiling are liars! But that is a discussion for another day.

What I wanted to tell you is that since things won't go your way most of the time, it is vital that you surround yourself with positive people, who have your best interests at heart. Misery loves company after all and why torture yourself by being around negative-soul-sapping individuals. They'll make you feel worse and not provide you with the moral support and encouragement which you need to help you pull through your trying moments.

Which is why I am thankful that I have my NIE mates. It's been 6-7 years since we've graduated but we're still close albeit not meeting up that often. Each meet up, however rare, truly brings me such joy which words cannot describe. That says a lot, coming from a language person.

True friends do not judge but are forgiving, accepting and compassionate. Most importantly, true friends are loyal. They are my true friends and I love them with all my heart.

They Are So FULL Of Themselves... and shit

I cannot believe that they are angry with me! I had to take boys out for a competition and they were mad because they travelled all the way down to school to take me out and because of my CCA, they couldn't. So it's my fault that they made a wasted trip.

What a bunch of brats.

How am I to know that they were going to take me out if they do not inform me of it beforehand? Even when they came down, there was no mention of an outing. At least all the other kids informed me the time that they were coming down to visit as well as asking if I were free to hang with them. It's called being courteous. I cannot assume that they will come down to see me and then take me out. What if they don't? I'd feel like such a loser and it's my freaking day and I will not be made to feel like crap.

It's completely their fault for not informing me of what their plans are. Even if it's a tradition (or so they claim), I have a life and I cannot just drop what I'm doing just for them. Not anymore.

In other news, the celebrations yesterday were mediocre. The skits were amateur-ish and very slapstick. Yes, I can put up a better performance with my boys but no one asked. The special programme for teachers was a complete farce! They served cocktails and peanuts! Hah! They turned part of the school hall into a freaking bar! They even got a bartender to do some tricks. But myself and a few other Muslim colleagues walked out because honestly, how insensitive can they get? It's the fasting month, you morons. It was not just food and drinks that you displayed in front of us, but alcohol as well?! Morons.

Expectations. Screw You.

He ruined my night for me. All I wanted was a simple dinner but he had to be a pain in the ass. Couldn't he just put his baggage aside just for one night? He knows how important this night is for me and yet he had to make it all about him. Not just that, he had to be pissy and in the most foul mood I've ever seen him in. ARGH!!

And he had the cheek to ask me if I thought that the night was a disaster! I wanted to push him onto the train tracks. I'm so mad at him.

I Always Cry Before My Birthday

I was watching TV in the living room. Jeeshan enters and switches the channel. I tell him that I was watching the TV and there was no response from him. I repeat my statement and he raises his voice... Go inside and watch then... I say out loud, "WOW." I walk to Mummy and tell her what happened. She doesn't do / say anything but continues to cook. So I go to Daddy to tell him. Daddy comes out from the room and Mummy only then enters the living room to ask Jeeshan why he did what he did. And that's when a shouting match occurs.

Jeeshan claims that because I have a TV point in my room, I should watch television in my room and because he does not have a TV point, he can watch it outside. I state my point that that's not my issue. I ask why he could not just say that he wanted to watch the TV but chose to rudely switch the channel. Then he says that I am the rude one and that I need disciplining as all this while I've been ignoring him.

I repeat my previous statement. Then somewhere in between he says that he paid for the TV, so it's his so he can watch it and he's banned me from it. I mumble something about me paying the bills for the cable. Then, I say that I marvel at how he treats his family and he says that this only applies to me, and not to anyone else in the family, whilst pointing a shaking finger at me. Could be anger, could be the smoking. Who knows.

Then Mummy bursts into tears.

Long story short. I did not want a scene. I just wanted justice. He obviously was in the wrong. Mummy heard and saw what happened but she just let it be. I don't understand why she couldn't just settle the issue at that very moment. Why let it be? I'm not asking her to take sides (even though I'm obviously the victim here) but letting that matter slide means she's condoning his action.

6 hours later and no apology from him. Not that I want one, or that I am expecting one but if I were to make a blunder, I'm pretty sure there'll be hell to pay and apologies to make. But why does he seem to get away with his actions, with no consequences to bear.

If the relationship matters to me, I would speak to him and apologise because that's all he wants from me. But why would I want to, especially after this? He had 2 choices... one, to ask if he could watch tv or two, to change the channel. He chose the latter. We all have choices and we are defined by our choices in life. How come I seem to be paying the price (I seem to be getting lectured and told to be the bigger person) for the choices he makes?

Sigh.

Moving On

I finally applied. It took great courage, considering I'm such a coward. Now I have to wait till November before I get the results. I don't really care where I go, just as long as I'm out of here (there).

Next step is to apply for admission to do my Degree when registration opens on the 18th.

I'm really glad I'm getting all of this done. I've been pushing it back for far too long.

High and Dry

It's getting harder and harder to find time for myself these days. Any free time that I do have, I spend it listening to songs or watching the music videos to those songs. It's a bit sad, really.

I used to have numerous hobbies and I could spend hours lost in them. Now, I barely have the energy nor the interest to do any of them.

Reading, gives me a headache now and I get very agitated sitting still for too long. I've a couple of books on hold, loaned by some of my friends. Gah. Plus, the books that I do own, many are un-read. I loathe what I have become.

Even watching movies, it takes me a really long time to decide on what I feel like watching. Midway through the movie, I lose interest and I feel like watching a completely different genre altogether.

Yea. I have severe attention span issues. Possibly something I caught from the boys. Heh. I'm glad the long weekend is here. I can finally have some me-time!

Hoorah for the Long Weekend

It really could not have come at a better time. I got home early from school on Thursday (Around 3-ish) and I had lunch while watching a bunch of episodes of Scrubs. At around 5, I decided to nap. When I woke up from my nap, it was already 8! Yea. I know. I got out of bed, took a piss and fed Athena and I went back to bed. I woke up the next morning and got ready for school.

Like totally, the long weekend could not have come at a better time. I've never felt so burnt out before.

Maybe I Could Be A Celebrity After All

This week was another week of makan-meetings. But I didn't survive as well as I did the previous time this happened.

Monday: I had lunch with my colleagues at Pizza Hut. Really, J8 is getting boring; the choices are too few and what makes it worse is that the Indian Muslim stall at the Food Court has been replaced! There's nothing Halal left there. Racists... Any-who, lunch with them was almost a no-show. I had to be very passive-aggressive with them to get them to leave the school and all it's bad karma and rejuvenate for the week. Operative word: aggressive. But they were thankful for it and I'm glad we all managed to find time out of school to chill and be far far away from work.

Tuesday: Mona took me out for lunch, partly because she wanted to thank me for getting her a gift for her birthday and she wanted some girl-time. It was great spending time with her. She's like a big sister to me and I'm her slightly annoying yet still loved by all little sister. Again, J8 has nothing so it was Swenson's and we bumped into colleagues there! They were having dessert while marking :p Such sad sad lives we lead.

Thursday: I had dinner with the IT guys. Yes, I have officially made my mark as a geek and I have been spending a considerable amount of time with them. We headed down to Thai Express at J8 and wolfed down our meals. We were starving! I like spending time with them as they have the inside scoop to the school and they are in the know of the latest gossips. It's fascinating, really. Gay, but still, fascinating. Heh.

Friday: Woo-hoo! First out-of-J8 outing! Darron, Amanda and I headed down to Serangoon Gardens for dessert and munchies. It was lovely to chill and just talk a whole load of crap and to not think about school. I'm devastated the Coffee Bean outlet is no longer there though.

So that was another week of my celebrity life. Unfortunately, on Saturday, I was too shagged and was feeling a little down to join my cousin for some RnR (aka major shopping spree).

It's funny how when I've just decided to move on professionally, I seem to be getting closer to my colleagues. That's going to make the parting even harder. Oh well.

I Can't Be A Celebrity

I'm very surprised I survived this week and can live to tell the tale.

I spent my Monday night working on a Stress video... yes, the irony. But I am very proud of it. I hope the boys enjoy it! And I hope I get the recognition for it too.

Tuesday: I had dinner with Serena near Mustafa as she was craving for Indian food. Heh. I love her so much! She has so much life and warmth about her, that meeting her always perks me up. She's leaving the country soon... for a guy! I think that is both brave and romantic, something which I'm pretty sure I would never ever do. That's what I love most about her. She has this if I don't try, I will never know attitude. How cool is that? The days at IJTP were memorable because of her.

Wednesday: I had dinner with Ismadi at my usual 2 pit stops at Arab Street. It is always awesome to meet up with my NIE bff. Heh. We can't stop talking about Star Wars or his travels. He brings out the adventurous geek in me.

Thursday: I had dinner with David at Thai Express and then we proceeded onto my favourite dessert stall. Hey, any moment with The Best Friend is awesome. He's trying to convince me to a Scrubs addict but I'm like meh... It can't beat How I Met Your Mother and it definitely can't even be half as funny as The Big Bang Theory. We shall see...

Friday: I had basketball CCA till 4pm then I met Aqil for dinner at Ichiban Sushi. It was really good that I met him. We had such a fantastic talk and I'm so much saner after it. The next few days, thinking about could-have-been is going to kill me. I'm deeply bummed out by what happened. But oh well, we move on.

In a nutshell, I had Indian, Turkish, Thai & Japanese cuisine all in a week. God, I'm such a glutton!

Gah. I should get ready. I'm taking the P5 boys for the NE show. I'm only excited because this is my first NE show and I'm going with the Goodness boys!! *blush*

My Days Are Getting Better :)

So I'm meeting my soulmate, Them Boys and Philip today!! It'll be an exhausting day but damn it's worth it to see my favourite-est people in the world!! Time to doll up *wink-wink*

I met him when I was a little girl; he gave me poetry; and he was my first

After years of being clean from MSN Messenger, tonight I have decided to download it and join the 'real' world. I grew bored of it and it really kept me away from the important things in life. It's crazy how time flies when you're online. But it did improve my typing speed... apples and oranges...

However, I am not being completely truthful with you. The only reason why I want to download it is because I want to get connected to Philip. Who is he? He was once a very integral part of my early twenties. I am proud to say that he was one of my closest friends and he was a pure Beng as well. Yes, you heard me. Ah Beng.

I met him online and no, it wasn't anything romantic. We could get along pretty well and when the friendship progressed to phone calls, we would spend hours talking about most things under the sun. Eventually, we met and as cliche as it sounds, it felt like we've known each other for years.

Years, is also how long we've lost touch with each other. I find it strangely sweet that of all my lost friendships, his is the one that I am actively pursuing. I always did refer to him as my Beng-Best-Friend (BBF).

Wish me luck!!

I've Got to Be Careful

We went home together after the competition. I truly enjoyed his company and I'm certain the feeling was mutual. It started off awkward but eventually we were completely comfortable with each other's presence. I could tell that he didn't want me to go and nor I for that matter.

I was surprised with myself at how open and honest I was with him. I feared he might have not liked what I was sharing with him but he was receptive and very engaged. Looking back I know I was trying really hard to impress him. A bit too hard perhaps but he is a tough one to crack. I have to play my cards right else I'll lose him. Now that I would not be able to handle sanely.

I have to be careful though. It would be terrible if this turns into an infatuation for either of us. I want him in my life but not romantically. Wow. I can't believe I just said that.